When you are in close proximity to a person for a long period of time, some of their not-so-pleasant patterns will come out. Of course, the same will happen with you, because it is impossible for patterns to not bump into each other. While this can be unpleasant, it doesn’t need to be damaging. But it is damaging when either of you comes to believe that the patterns are all you have to offer.

Most people would tell you that they want all their relationships to be love centered. But unfortunately what is oftentimes meant is that they want the other person’s patterns to match well with theirs. If this undercover meaning stays in place, the relationship will be in trouble when patterns start to clash. One partner will become the bad “guy,” and both will probably be pointing their finger at the other one.

So yes, riffs happen and eventually they seem to go away. But actually they stay hidden in the back of our memory so that over time there will be a build-up of bad feelings. The relationship is weakened, and after a period of these continuing diminishing returns, rehabilitation is needed. Rehabilitation requires a total change of focus. Yes, the old feelings that have been buried must be cleared, but rehabilitation is not about correcting all the patterns that were bothersome. Instead it is about changing the focus of the relationship.

Changing your focus from a hurtful pattern to heartful love doesn’t mean you will stop liking or disliking certain patterns, but it does mean that you will search, at those times, for a higher purpose. That higher purpose is to replace the reason you held for having the pattern, with a reason for love to be there. This is not a form of denial, but a form of transference.

Here is an example: I offered to decorate a little girl’s bedroom with some of my furniture. The father was very pleased, since the little girl had no furniture at all. But just as I completed hanging the last picture, the mother came in and threw a fit. I had no idea the couple had not discussed this, but obviously they had not. They went in the other room and discussed heatedly whether it could stay. Eventually the mother calmed down and came back to me. She said, “I am so sorry my anger took over my heart’s gratitude.” All I could think was, “WOW!”

Realizing that a pattern might be blocking your heart is a big step towards relationship rehabilitation. It helps to keep in mind that both your feeling response and your heart response belong to you. Therefore, it is you that gets to decide which one gets to be offered.